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Thursday, May 12th, 2005

(1 beautiful disaster | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:9:22 pm.
i cant take it anymore. i feel like ripping my fucking hair out and bashing my head into a wall. i'm frustrated. i'm aggravated. i cant stand myself. this happens every now and then. i get in these moods. self hatred, anger, depression, insecurity, unhappiness all balled into one massive fucking fist pounding me every god damn day. over and over and fucking over and over...i cant stand to be alone with myself because i think i'm disgusting. i try mixing things up, i think of ways to make myself prettier. things i can do to appear to look more attractive. nothing works. nothing i think of i can accomplish. it leads to failure. i'm disgusting. i'm a fucking failure. i get dressed up, take new pictures that come out horrible because my face fucks them up. EVERY time, my face fucks the picture up.

i dont know where to go from here. drugs are getting more and more appealing. i see my life on a downward spiral...and sadly, i dont want to do anything to change that. let me rot. let me fuck my entire life up. i've already done enough damage. 5 years down the road from now, i'm going to be a drug addict. i'll probably have a child. i'll lead a normal looking life, but what people wont see is the drug induced haze that i'll constantly be living in. life doesnt seem appealing without drugs anymore..

Thursday, April 21st, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:7:30 pm.
finally, have my own apartment.

it feels so wonderful to just do my own thing...not have to answer to anyone..

i can come and go as i please, and i can finally live my life the way i want to live it.

sorry i dont update this thing very much..i never seem to have anything interesting to talk about.

i suggest that everyone listens to the "distance to goa" cds. especially track 9 on vol. 1.

excellent song.

Thursday, April 7th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:10:20 am.
3 more days till we move. finally. i cant wait. we've got pretty much everything packed up, just not our clothes and stuff. its going to be really weird to have our own place...to be able to do whatever the fuck i want, whenever the hell i want. if i wake up in the middle of the night to pee, i dont have to put pants on...if i want to cook naked and parade around in my underwear, i can finally do it.

woo greatness.

its going to be nice too when i get to go food shopping. i cant finally get the food that i want to eat, the stuff i feel i should be eating.

Friday, April 1st, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:9:58 pm.
Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||| 30%
Stability |||| 16%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Empathy |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 43%
Intellectual |||||||||||| 50%
Mystical |||||||||||||||| 70%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Materialism |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 50%
Adventurousness |||||| 30%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||||||||| 36%
Need to dominate |||||| 23%
Romantic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Avoidant |||| 16%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 43%
Wealth |||||||||||| 43%
Dependency |||||||||||| 43%
Change averse |||||||||| 36%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Individuality |||||||||||| 43%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Peter pan complex |||||| 23%
Physical security |||||| 30%
Food indulgent || 10%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Vanity |||||||||||||||| 70%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were very low which suggests you are extremely worrying, insecure, emotional, and anxious.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.


trait snapshot:

depressed, introverted, neat, needs things to be extremely clean, observer, perfectionist, not self revealing, does not make friends easily, suspicious, irritable, hates large parties, follows the rules, worrying, does not like to stand out, fragile, phobic, submissive, dislikes leadership, cautious, takes precautions, focuses on hidden motives, good at saving money, solitary, familiar with the dark side of life, hard working, emotionally sensitive, prudent, altruistic, heart over mind, unadventurous

Sunday, March 27th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:12:12 am.
fskdjfhsjkdbnvhysdfbvysdgvfuadsnhfjdslkcvnskdl sjdhtueryabv poiehfv aloeityavlodishgvna'[wporeimac'[peircma'[wepirmva;[otuvna;putnbas;eirobna'[poertuiva[eporutnwp093476gqn[34967qgn[3t4ugnwpoeiurynwgpy6gnwp0935u6n[qwg095f[-mq03i54m09tf;ldsf,kmt54rplmdnhy73eiwposld



yea.

Saturday, March 26th, 2005

(3 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:11:23 pm.
i'm not exactly a photoshop wiz...but i changed the colors in the pic. i think all pictures look better red washed. so, yea..anyways,
redwashedCollapse )

(2 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:11:05 pm.
hello Shaenice,
Thank you for submitting, the photos looks great! We will be reviewing and
deciding on all submissions in April. We probably wont begin filming till
May or June. So make sure you can be available around those times. We are
filming 3-4 videos, so there is a good chance everyone will have a job. If
we do decide on you we will contact you immediately and will discuss travel
plans, and any questions you may have. There is one thing I must go over
with you. This isn’t going to be a major acting project, so acting is not
all that necessary. However if we do consider you for this, you must
understand that we will be shooting on actual film, which is highly
expensive, therefore we don’t want to waste it. So please make sure that
this is an opportunity that you will do well in. Other than that I just
want to say good luck and we will talk to you in April.
Thank you very much for submitting. Any questions, feel free to email us
anytime!
The Quartier Macabre


does that sound positive? to me it just sounds like a generic letter than everyone is going to receive. that sucks. i'm trying not to think too much about it..maybe even pretend i never submitted, that way if i dont hear from them i wont be disappointed. plus, i'm sure there's going to be plenty of real models that are going to submit. bleh.

Thursday, March 24th, 2005

(2 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:6:12 am.
stolenCollapse )

(6 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:opinion, anyone?
Time:12:18 am.
well....on the VAC forums, they had something about needing models for the videos in the NC area. me being a sucker decided to maybe give it a try and submit some photos.

heres the ones i've taken...but i dont know which ones to use..these are only the headshots..i'll post the body shots when i get a chance. everyone comment and tell me which i should use..

PicturesCollapse )

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:heartbroken.
Time:10:26 pm.
i feel like a big fucking baby typing this out.. i honestly do.

and i know i sound like a stereotypical girl..but i dont fucking care.

aarons dad took the puppies to the animal shelter. those puppies were fucking 3 1/2 weeks old. they couldnt even eat soft dog food, thats how little they were. katie brought her babies up on the porch because she trusted us. she felt safe around us, and knew she could trust us with her babies. but what does a fucking inconsiderate, heartless asshole like aarons dad do? he breaks her trust. he takes her puppies, her fucking babies, who shes spent every minute of her life these past 3 1/2 weeks with. he takes them to the animal shelter where they'll be put to sleep 72 hours after arrival. wow, a whole 3 days.

i come home from work, and katie is laying in front of the door. shes got her head down, and when i pet her or go near her, her tail doesnt wag. i can feel that shes sad. she looks it. i broke her trust. i fucking broke her trust. i didnt even try to stop it..i just let him take them. i should have opened my mouth. he claims to be this all-loving christian..but look at what he does. it makes me fucking sick.

those poor puppies..i cant even begin to imagine how abandoned and lonely they feel right now.

and look at me, crying like a fucking baby about it, when i'm just being a hypocrit. i should have done something to prevent this, if i cared so much. i'm a fucking ass too, for letting it happen.

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:12:44 am.
these past two weeks have been a fucking nightmare.

between little jay being in and out of the hospital, and seeing doctor after doctor, to my doctor telling me that i need to see a couselor..its just been damn stressful.

i barely ever get to see aaron lately. it really sucks. i miss him a whole lot. the only time we really get to spend together is when we're sleeping.

i went to the doctor on monday for my headaches. he said it sounded like cluster headaches, and then began flipping through my chart. he found the sheets from when i came there to be treated for depression. somehow or another, this lead to a huge epiphany on the doctors part, and lead him to this theory that i need to seek couseling because deep down in my subconcious, something is bothering me so bad that i'm getting headaches from it. he prescribed me inderal la. he said it will help with my apparant "anxiety" and get rid of the headaches at the same time.

keep in mind, i was treated for depression like 4 years ago.

Saturday, March 5th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:12:27 am.
tonight, theres going to be 80 DJs at scorpios until 4 in the morning.

its $5 to get in.

am i going?

no.

why?

because aaron doesnt feel like going out.

thats why.

which is all well and good, if he didnt feel like going out for a good reason.

his reason is more than likely to play video games.

Friday, March 4th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:bad, bad day
Time:12:32 am.
Mood: high.
so, today starts out like so:

*aarons dad informs us that they're not going to pay off any of aarons debt, like they've been promising him.
--too bad we decided to re- max out the best buy credit card a few days ago.

*I get home from aarons house to get ready for work, and theres a note on the table that says my brother is in the hospital, and to call my mom. so i called her, and she tells me what happened.
--some piece of shit little kid decided to punch my brother jay in the stomach, because jay wouldnt let him play with his football when he went home to eat.

*so jays in the hospital, and they think that his apendix may have burst or been ruptured. so they make him drink this dye stuff mixed with koolaid. they take blood from him, and they give him a CT scan 2 1/2 hours after drinking the dye.

*they dont see anything wrong with his appendix, but his liver is swollen.
-- this was discovered of course 3 hours later, because the doctors are slack and rack up your hospital bill by running 6 different tests on the same place, claiming that this test "might show something different from the others."

*so, they discharge him with liver inflammation. gave him some prescriptions, and kept his for observation for a few hours. hes okay now, but they said to watch out for vomitting and nausea, because that could mean that he has apendicitis.

*we get home from the hospital, and my hamster has somehow tangled its foot in the wire cage floor of the balcony. his foot was all bloody and raw. think the hamsters version of saw. it was a disgusting sight.

* 10 minutes later, my brother notices a big brown furry something or another in the big white fucked up hamsters mouth. we go to see..the hamster that got its foot caught, (the white one), decided to eat the brown hamster. they've had more than enough food. so, my hamster turned cannibalistic in less than 24 hours.

*then my dad burns the living shit out of his hand by placing it down on the grill. how this happened? who knows, but it did.

*now, aarons not feeling good. his stomach hurts. i say its sympathy pains. awe.


i need to update this journals appearance. my other journal (www.deadjournal.com/users/fatal_embrace) is so much prettier than this one. meh

Saturday, February 26th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:you dirty, dirty girl.
Time:11:20 pm.
Mood: dirty.
today, work was horrible. i'm tired of being bitched at by the managers, constantly. the more they bitch, the more unmotivated i am to sell their god damn replay cards. maybe they should try talking to their sales floor team...considering that its their job to sell them, and not the cashiers.

oh fucking well..being a head cashier doesnt get you shit there. all it gets you is the responsibility to close all the registers at the end of the night.

in other news, me and aaron will be living together soon. his parents might be selling the house, or selling 4 of their 5 acres to pay off all their debt. either way, as long as i'm NOT in the same house as them, i'm damn happy.

i feel disgusting. i feel like i need to take a 2 hour long shower, and i dont know why. i just feel flat out nasty.

i probably smell like shit too.

Saturday, February 12th, 2005

(2 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:11:09 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
this little girl grabs hold of my shirt, and is hysterically crying. she pressed up against my side with one hand around me, and her other half way in her mouth, and said between sobs "i lost my mommy, i cant find her." her face was bright red, and you could see where the old tears were smeared down her face. i knelt down to her and wiped her tears and asked her what her mommys name was. she said sandy. so i took her hand, and i called her mother to the front. i wiped up her tears with a tissue and told her that her mommy would be here in a few seconds.

well, her father came to the front, grabbed the girls arm, and says " why the hell did you wander off?!" and drug her back to his wife.

that poor little girl..she was like 5 years old. i'm fucking sorry, but you should have been watching her, you jackass.

what makes me even more upset, is that when they left, she ran behind my register and said thank you to me, and her father yelled in the store from the hallway going outside "we dont have all night."

some people shouldnt fucking have kids.

Monday, January 31st, 2005

(2 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:stolen from djtomservo.
Time:11:53 am.


You Are 31 Years Old



31





Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.





i dont know if that should make me sad or not...?

(1 beautiful disaster | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:11:41 am.
yea....so i've decided that on valentines day, i'm going all out.

me and aaron are going out to eat, and then hopefully getting a hotel room. i've decided to be girly, and get a nice dress to wear, and perhaps get my nails done..

so today, since i dont get paid till friday, i'm going pre-shopping. i'm going to take a run to carolina place, then to south park so i can feel poor.

my paycheck is going to be shit this week. it'll probably be a little less than $300. and figures, i have to give aaron $100 for his car payment...so i'll have $200 to splurge with...well, not really..since i'm going to help him out with what we;re doing on valentines day.

i'm tired of listening to aaron snore. extremely tired of listening to it. maybe i'll go smother him?

Saturday, January 29th, 2005

(6 beautiful disasters | smash up your pretty fucking face)

Subject:New Pictures
Time:12:02 am.
New*Pics*Of*MeCollapse )

Saturday, January 22nd, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:3:45 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
this morning when me and aaron woke up, i found a note on the kitchen table from his dad. he wants me and aaron to pay all their bills except the house payment. he says it "rent." its about $200 a month. does he honestly think that we can afford that? i mean, we can barely afford aarons bills, and my bill, with us both working. we're over $7,000 in debt, yet he thinks we can afford to pay him that much money. if that were the case, we'd get an apartment.

this woudnt upset me as much as it does, if it werent for the fact that his dad got fired from his job and never looked for a new one. he made his wife get a job, making $200 a week to watch kids at church. all he does is go to church all day, and sit around. hes constantly asking aaron for $100 here and there so that his checks dont bounce. what about our checks? we have about $20 for the next week. if he'd just get off his ass and stop being lazy, they wouldnt have to worry about paying their bills.

i dont know. i dont know what to think. all i know is that i dont want to be anywhere near his parents anymore. i'd do/give anything to get us out of debt so we could get an apartment.

Thursday, January 20th, 2005

(smash up your pretty fucking face)

Time:10:18 pm.
Mood: blah.
tonight at work, kelsey told me that her and the other cashiers were talking about how they dont understand how i got to be head cashier. she said there were a lot of upset people because of it..i mean, i guess i'd be upset too if i was working there for months and months, and all of a sudden they hire some girl and within 1 month, they make her a head cashier instead of me..but if they looked at the big picture, well i can work any day, any time, and i have good numbers. thats why they made me a HC.

work was slow. i didnt sell anything..suprise suprise. i do have this one kid who wont leave me alone. everyday i go to work, he just wants to stand there and talk to me all night...its about stupid shit too. i honestly dont care how fucked up you were last night...atleast i dont care enough to hear about it for 5 hours.

LiveJournal for *-AN uNHoLY WReCK-*.

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